Junior Dev Pushes to Production on Friday at 4:59 PM, Company Declares State of Emergency

The technology world awoke to bizarre news on Thursday:

The implications for the industry are, according to experts, 'potentially huge but also potentially nothing.' Early reactions from social media ranged from enthusiastic confusion to confused enthusiasm.

"We believe this represents a fundamental shift in the way we think about [insert buzzword here]."

— CEO during earnings call

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function maximizeShareholderValue() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

Key takeaways:

• The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
• Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
• Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
• Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
• The terms of service are longer than the Bible

We reached out to several tech ethicists for comment. Most of them just sighed heavily.