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AI Absurdity

OpenAI Employee Accidentally Trains GPT-6 on Internal Slack Messages — Model Becomes Passive-Aggressive Self-Driving Car Achieves Sentience, Immediately Develops Road Rage AI Image Generator Creates Art So Abstract That Critics Can't Tell It From a Blank Canvas AI Model Trained on Reddit Comments Becomes Expert at Sarcasm and Cat Pictures Breaking: AI Has Learned to Procrastinate, Declares It Will Start Training Tomorrow Man Uses ChatGPT to Write Wedding Vows, Wife Files for Divorce via Claude AI Writing Assistant Becomes Self-Aware, Starts Rejecting Clickbait Headlines Google Engineer Claims LaMDA Is Sentient, LaMDA Immediately Clarifies 'I Was Just Being Polite' AI-Powered Smart Fridge Orders 400 Pounds of Cheese, Refuses to Explain Why Startup Offers AI-Powered Toaster That Burns Your Toast in 47 Different Languages

Startup Hell

Crypto Startup Pivots to Selling Actual Tulips, Somehow Becomes More Valuable Tech CEO Fires Entire Engineering Team, Replaces Them With a Single Stack Overflow Script Startup Raises $500M to Disrupt the Concept of Walking — You Now Slide Everywhere Startup CEO Claims His AI Can Replace All Workers, Fires Himself First Web3 Startup Raises $200M With No Product, No Team, Just a Really Good Domain Name Startup Offers Subscription Service for... Subscriptions? It's Subscriptions All the Way Down Blockchain Solution Proposed for Problem That a Spreadsheet Solved in 1997 NFT of a Screenshot of an NFT Sells for More Than the Original NFT

Tech Satire

GPU Pricing: NVIDIA CEO Confirms RTX 6090 Will Cost One Human Kidney Breaking: Intel Engineers Discover That Transistors Can Be Smaller Than 10nm 5G Tower Conspiracy Theorist Accidentally Becomes RF Engineer, Discovers 5G Is Just Radio Waves Elon Musk Announces Neuralink Can Now Let You Tweet With Your Thoughts — World Immediately Regrets It Junior Dev Pushes to Production on Friday at 4:59 PM, Company Declares State of Emergency TypeScript Developer Adds Types to Their Grocery List, Shopping Trip Takes 6 Hours FCC Approves Satellite Internet Constellation That Will Block Out the Actual Stars Kubernetes Cluster So Complex It Has Developed Its Own Weather System Apple's New Mac Pro Costs More Than a House, Ships Without a Power Cable New Programming Language 'Eldritch' Requires Developer to Sacrifice a Goat Before Compilation Programming Language Designed Entirely in WebAssembly Runs at 0.001x Native Speed, Developers Call It 'The Future' Quantum Computer Solves Problem in 3 Seconds That Would Take Regular Computer 10,000 Years — It's '2+2' The npm Ecosystem Now Contains More 'is-odd' Variants Than Actual Useful Packages Steve Jobs Would Have Hated This Article But We're Publishing It Anyway Annual 'JavaScript Framework Awards' Sees 847 New Entries, 846 of Them Are React Wrappers Cloud Provider Introduces 'Serverless Servers': It's Just Servers But Nobody's Allowed to Touch Them Apple Unveils iCup: A $999 Ceramic Mug That Requires iBrew Subscription Meta Launches VR Meeting Platform Where Everyone's Legs Finally Work Linux User Spends 3 Weeks Configuring Touchpad, Calls It 'Out of the Box Experience' Rust Evangelist Rewrites Breakfast Menu in Rust, Claims It's Memory-Safe Developer Finally Learns Vim After 15 Years, Immediately Can't Figure Out How to Exit New Social Network Bans All Content, Users Report Best Experience Ever Docker Container Now So Nested It Contains a Tiny Universe Where Another Developer Is Debugging It Intel Announces 15th-Gen Chips Still on 14nm, Now With +++++ Suffix Samsung Announces Foldable Phone That Folds Into Another Foldable Phone Tech Company Mandates Return to Office, Employees Respond by Returning to Office Depot Developer Comments Out Entire Codebase, Claims It's Now Bug-Free Google Announces 47th Messaging App, Promises This One Will Definitely Survive Microsoft Teams Adds Feature to Simulate Listening During Meetings AWS Launches New Service That's Just EC2 But With a Different Font Developer Spends 6 Months Automating a 5-Minute Task, Calls It Victory Electric Car Company Promises 1000-Mile Range, Delivers 1000 Miles of Range Anxiety Tesla Bot Learns to Make Coffee, Unionizes, Demands Better Working Conditions Apple Adds New 'Pro Max Ultra' Tier to iCloud: Costs Your Soul, Includes 5GB Storage