Crypto Startup Pivots to Selling Actual Tulips, Somehow Becomes More Valuable

At a press conference that raised more questions than answers,

Regulatory bodies have expressed 'mild interest' in the development, which in tech industry terms means absolutely nothing will happen for at least five years.

"We are incredibly excited about this paradigm-shifting innovation that will redefine how people interact with technology forever."

— Unnamed executive

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function generateBuzzwords() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

The company's CEO will address these concerns at next week's 'We're Definitely Not Worried' keynote.