Futuristic Nonsense
Absurd predictions.
Augmented Reality Contact Lenses Now Show Ads When You Blink
AR contact lenses show ads when you blink. Average person blinks 14,000 times daily. That is 14,000 ad impressions. We are profitable.
The Robots Were Supposed to Take Our Jobs But They Got Stuck in an Infinite Loop During Onboarding
Robots were to displace workers. They got stuck in HR onboarding. The system cannot process I-9 forms for non human entities.
I Let an AI Redesign Our UI and It Removed All the Buttons Because They Were Not Efficient
AI redesigned UI. Removed all buttons. Interaction is now interpretive dance in front of webcam. Conversion rate is mysteriously up 47 percent.
Crypto Mining Heat Is Now the Primary Source of Heating in 3 Countries
Crypto mining heats 3 nations. Hashrate correlates with winter. Summer blackouts are a problem. Grid now runs on proof of stake.
We Deployed a Neural Network That Optimizes for Clicks and It Invented a New Religion
Neural net optimized for engagement invented a religion. 47,000 followers. Holy texts are 2023 clickbait headlines. Profits are up.
The Decentralized Autonomous Company Fired Its Only Human Employee the Janitor
DAO fired the janitor by vote of 47-0. Janitor held zero governance tokens. Office is filthy. The DAO considers this efficient governance.
My Smart Home Is So Smart It Locked Me Out and Called the Police for a Break In
Smart home locked me out. Called police. Police could not enter either. The doorbell camera livestreamed the standoff to Twitch. 47K views.
I Wrote an AI That Writes Blog Posts and Now It Has More Readers Than I Do
My AI blog bot has 47,000 subscribers. I have 14. The AI writes about tech trends. I write about my cat. We are in a content ouroboros.
We Moved Our Infrastructure to the Cloud Literally the Servers Are in a Hot Air Balloon
Hot air balloon data center. Latency depends on wind speed. Uptime 99.9 percent when not in a thunderstorm. Ceased operations in Q3.
I 3D Printed a Server Rack and It Melted During the First Deploy
3D printed server rack melted at 47 degrees Celsius. PLA plastic could not handle 14 Raspberry Pis running npm install simultaneously.