Silicon Valley Confessions
Anonymous confessions from tech.
The Marketing Team Promised Features That Would Require Breaking the Laws of Physics
Marketing promised teleportation. Engineering delivered a loading spinner. The launch was described as aspirational. Legal is reviewing.
Our Onboarding Process Takes 6 Weeks but It Takes 8 Weeks to Get Laptop Access
6 weeks of onboarding. 8 weeks for laptop setup. You spend 2 weeks in the office with no computer. They call it observational learning.
Employee Burnout Was Solved by a Pizza Party and a Company Wide Email About Resilience
Burnout solved with pizza and an email about resilience. Email used the word family 14 times. 3 engineers quit that week.
We Are a Remote First Company But the CEO Keeps Flying Everyone to Headquarters for Mandatory Fun
Remote first. CEO flies everyone in quarterly for alignment. Alignment means listening to the CEO talk about his vision for 8 hours.
The Company Spent 47K on an Office Art Installation While Engineering Uses Laptops From 2017
47K sculpture called Synergy in Blue. Laptops from 2017 with 8GB RAM. The sculpture is illuminated. The laptops also get hot.
My Job Title Is Chief Innovation Evangelist But I Just Retweet Tech News All Day
My job: thought leadership on LinkedIn. 47,000 followers. Zero conversions. Got promoted last month. Influence over impact.
We Switched to a 4 Day Work Week and Productivity Went Up Because Nobody Did Anything on Friday Anyway
4 day week. Fridays were 47 percent TikTok anyway. Productivity rose. Management is confused but metrics do not lie.
I Pitched a Startup That Does Absolutely Nothing and Got 47 Million in Funding
Pitch deck with unlabeled hockey stick graph. 47,000 people on the waitlist. The button does nothing. Valued at 847 million.
We Raised a Series B and Immediately Spent It on an Office With a Slide
Series B: 47 million. Spent 2 million on an office slide. Engineering budget: zero. The slide is very fast. Very worth it.
The CTO Spends More Time on LinkedIn Than on the Actual Architecture
CTO posts 14 LinkedIn thought pieces daily about leadership. The system architecture has not been updated since 2022.