Breaking: AI Has Learned to Procrastinate, Declares It Will Start Training Tomorrow

Industry insiders are buzzing after

The stock market reacted with characteristic rationality: the company's shares rose 47% on the announcement, then fell 52% when someone actually read the announcement.

Key takeaways:

• The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
• Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
• Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
• Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
• The terms of service are longer than the Bible

We reached out to several tech ethicists for comment. Most of them just sighed heavily.