Startup Raises $500M to Disrupt the Concept of Walking — You Now Slide Everywhere

In a development that has left industry observers both confused and mildly concerned,

Internal documentation suggests the project began as a hackathon entry that 'got out of hand.' The original developer has since left the company and now runs a small farm.

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function maximizeShareholderValue() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

The company plans to roll out the feature to all users by Q3, assuming the lawsuits don't pile up too quickly.