Apple's New Mac Pro Costs More Than a House, Ships Without a Power Cable

A new report from analysts at GartnerMcKinseyForrester suggests that

Competitors have already begun scrambling to develop their own versions. A spokesperson for a major tech company, who spoke on condition of anonymity, admitted: 'We should have thought of this. Or maybe we did and decided it was a terrible idea. Either way, we're doing it now.'

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function maximizeShareholderValue() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

Key takeaways:

• The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
• Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
• Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
• Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
• The terms of service are longer than the Bible

Experts predict this trend will continue until either common sense prevails or venture capital runs out — whichever comes first.