Steve Jobs Would Have Hated This Article But We're Publishing It Anyway

A leaked internal memo reveals that

The stock market reacted with characteristic rationality: the company's shares rose 47% on the announcement, then fell 52% when someone actually read the announcement.

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function maximizeShareholderValue() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

Key takeaways:

• The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
• Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
• Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
• Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
• The terms of service are longer than the Bible

We reached out to several tech ethicists for comment. Most of them just sighed heavily.