The All Hands Meeting Was Just the CEO Showing His NFT Collection for 90 Minutes
CEO: Here is my Bored Ape. Staff: Are we getting raises? CEO: Look at this CryptoPunk. Meeting adjourned after 90 minutes.
Our OKRs Are So Ambitious We Just Make Up the Numbers at the End of the Quarter
Q4 OKRs: increase revenue by 4,700 percent. We achieved 3 percent. We reported 4,700. Nobody verified the numbers.
We Have a Chief Happiness Officer But No Chief Technology Officer
Chief Happiness Officer mandates quarterly fun events. We have no CTO. The servers have been on fire since Q2.
The CEO Read a Blog Post About Flat Organizations So Now Nobody Reports to Anyone
Flat org means zero decisions get made. We debated which CI tool to use for 3 weeks. We still have not picked one.
I Took a Pay Cut for Equity and the Equity Is Now Worth Less Than the Free Office Snacks
My equity is worth negative dollars after taxes. The office snacks are almonds. Organic almonds. I hate almonds.
Our Company Values Include Synergy But Nobody Knows What That Means
Synergy is a core value. It appears 47 times in the handbook. Zero employees can define it. Management says it is a feeling.
I Deployed on a Friday at 4 59 PM and Lived to Regret Every Life Choice That Led Me There
Friday 4:59 deploy. Homepage raw JSON. Database migration ran on one replica. 47-hour weekend recovery. Never again.
The Load Balancer Was Sending All Traffic to the Staging Server for 6 Months and Users Preferred Staging
Load balancer sent all traffic to staging for 6 months. Users loved staging. It had features we never shipped. Awkward.
Our Disaster Recovery Plan Was a Text File That Just Said Call Dave
DR plan was a text file: Call Dave. Dave changed his number. The new number was also in the text file. We updated neither.
The Database Index Was Missing for 3 Years and We Only Noticed Because the Table Got Too Small
Missing index discovered because we deleted so many rows the query planner accidentally used a different, correct index.