SharkintoshBlog

New Programming Language 'Eldritch' Requires Developer to Sacrifice a Goat Before Compilation

A new report from analysts at GartnerMcKinseyForrester suggests that

The stock market reacted with characteristic rationality: the company's shares rose 47% on the announcement, then fell 52% when someone actually read the announcement.

"Look, is it perfect? No. Is it necessary? Also no. But is it cool? Debatable."

— A definitely real customer testimonial

Key takeaways:

  • The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
  • Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
  • Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
  • Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
  • The terms of service are longer than the Bible

The company plans to roll out the feature to all users by Q3, assuming the lawsuits don't pile up too quickly.

Comments (3)

VC_watcher May 21, 2026
My startup is literally doing this right now. Please don't tell our investors.
npm_install_trauma May 31, 2026
This deserves a Pulitzer in the category of 'Things We All Think But Nobody Says'.
techie42 June 6, 2026
5 stars. Would read again while pretending to pay attention in standup.