Google Announces 47th Messaging App, Promises This One Will Definitely Survive

In an announcement that nobody asked for but everyone expected,

Critics argue that this solves a problem nobody had, while proponents counter that creating problems to solve is the foundation of the entire tech industry.

"Our users are at the center of everything we do. Unless they complain, in which case they are edge cases."

— The PR department

// Internal implementation leaked on GitHub
function pivotToBlockchain() {
  const actualProduct = null;
  const valuation = fetchValuation(actualProduct);
  while (valuation > 0 && runway > 0) {
    burn(valuation * 0.1);
    pivot();
    if (employees.crying) break;
  }
  return Series_B;
}

Key takeaways:

• The technology exists primarily in PowerPoint form
• Investors have been assured it will 'scale massively'
• Engineers are reportedly 'figuring it out as we go'
• Customer support will consist of a single FAQ page
• The terms of service are longer than the Bible

One thing is certain: whatever happens next will probably be even more ridiculous.